I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She bit a glass in half.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
