just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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