I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
