Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
