Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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