Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
