there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
