yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
