Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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