Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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