I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
