The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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