Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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