Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
