Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
