She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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