It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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