i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
