Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
