Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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