his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
