I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
