I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
