I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
