I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
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i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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