By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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