Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
