I CAN MOONWALK!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
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I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
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You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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