I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
