peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
