It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
