forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
