I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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