She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
