did you get engaged???
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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