Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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