JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Someone signed my nipple.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
