she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
