If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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