I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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