Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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