Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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