those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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