You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
