It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
