i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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