$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
