Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
