im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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