I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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