im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
