I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
