I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
