btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
