I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
