Your face is a jimmy john
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
