After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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