Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
